Women of Nepal

Lily Thapa

Chairperson of Women for Human Rights

Born in 1959 in Kathmandu

It was in 1992. Lily Thapa and her husband had planned to go to India for their further studies. She was busy in preparing for their travel. She was eagerly waiting for the arrival of her husband Amir Bahadur Thapa who was then working in Iraq for United Nations' Peace Keeping Operation as a medical doctor of Royal Nepal Army. They were supposed to leave for India one week after Amir Bahadur arrived in Nepal. She was counting the days for the reunion with her husband as she had not seen him for the last six months. However, things went in a different way. One day when she returned from her school to her home she was told by her family that her husband got sick in Iraq. Things got even worse as she had to hear that she would not see him alive any more. She described her terrible experience with her watery eyes;

"I have heard that my husband attended his farewell party. After the party ended he went for sleep and never woke up. We had made a promise to make our bright future together but all were in vain."

After a sudden death of her husband Lily shut herself up and stayed alone inside her mother's house for around six months. She stopped talking with others and stopped going to her school where she used to teach. She also gave up her plan to get a degree of PhD, which was a common dream of her and her husband. She even didn't want to go back to her husband's house where a lot of memories on her husband were found. Her husband used to support and encourage her. It was her husband who had pressured Lily to complete a master degree.

She got married at the age of eighteen after she completed her bachelors' degree from Padma Kanya Campus. She had gone to India to study in the master course but she could not complete it as her father got sick. Her father wanted to see her to get married. So she gave up her studies and returned back to Nepal.

After her marriage she stayed at her home as a housewife for nearly ten years. She gave birth to three sons. She was happy with her life. But her husband always used to say that she should do something so that she can utilize her knowledge and skills she studied. Being encouraged by her husband Lily joined the Tribhuvan University for a master's degree in Sociology and completed it in 1990. Her husband established a school for her. She started working there. She found her family members to be very supportive to her. She thought that she was the luckiest woman to get such a wonderful life.

But after having lost her husband her fate had changed and she noticed that attitudes of the people around her also changed. Family members who used to say that she was the luckiest daughter in-law started to backbite her. It was such a terrible period that she went back to her mother's house and stayed there for about one and a half years. In Nepal it is said that a widow shouldn't stay at her mother's house. But her mother stood against such beliefs and allowed her to stay with her. Luckily, she could have received a lot of moral support from her mother and brothers during her hardest time in her life.

"I consoled myself a lot and re-joined the school after six month thinking that I have to forget my past and should live for my sons. I used to go to meet my sons at their school hostel in Godawari every week and used to weep with them," she said. A Father in her sons' school tried to console her by saying that there are number of widows who are suffering more than her. He gave the example of a young woman who lived nearby his school and had been tortured by her mother-in law and other family members. After hearing her story Lily became eager to meet her and visited her house. But her mother in-law did not allow her to meet that woman. Lily was wearing colorful dresses when she visited her house; probably looking at that a mother-in-law cried at her telling that she would spoil her daughter in-law.

Lily got very hurt at the moment but had a strong desire to meet that young widow by any means. After she asked a Father to help her he arranged a meeting with a widow. When two women met for the first time they cried together. Then they began to meet frequently and one day a woman confessed that she had been suffering not only from her mother in-law but also from her brother in-law. She exposed her secret of being sexually exploited by her brother in-law.

Lily felt so painful to know her sufferings that she had made an arrangement for her to attend a tailoring training. She also convinced her mother in-law to send her to the course. This woman later became a good fashion designer. She became the first lady who had encouraged Lily to work in the field of single women's issues, which till then little works had been done.

After this experience whenever Lily came to know about widows she went to meet with them. Through her activities she tried to console herself that she was not the only woman who had missed the loved one. In each and every time she found the unique but sorrowful stories of single women in Nepal. She started thinking on how to change the view of society towards widows. That motivated Lily to unite single women from her own circle. In the beginning those women assembled in their houses to share their feelings and problems with each other, which was the informal starting of her group that later became an NGO.

Till then Lily was staying at her mother's house. But later she felt that she had to leave there to be independent. She went back to her husband's house and returned to her work at her school. Many women who lost their husbands came to her small office in order to share their experiences. Some women claimed that they did not get their husbands' property. Some told that they had being harassed by their family members in different ways. They all had the common feelings of being discriminated by their families and society. In Nepali society widows used to be considered to be as persons with bad luck and prohibited to be present in marriage and other rituals and ceremonies.

As the time had passed more widows visited her informal group. Lily felt that she should organize her group in a formal way to raise their voices effectively. But it was not an easy task. Many widows stopped coming there when she raised her concept of establishing the organization. They were actually afraid with the society and their families. However, Lily was enough determined on her motto that she dared to register the organization as an NGO named 'Women for Human Rights' in 1994 by her own efforts.

In the beginning she was alone to work for the organization. Social activist Rita Thapa helped her raising a fund of one thousand dollars for her NGO. With that fund she bought office equipments and took trainings on managing an NGO. That was enough even to support some widows' children to get into schools. She also started to fight for single women's rights in court. Soon she left her school and started to spend her full time for her NGO. Her NGO did a research on the situation of widows in Nepal in collaboration with the Ministry of Women and Children. That research made them clearer on the issues they should dealt with. In the meantime Lily got a chance to go to Sweden in 1998, where she studied about gender and society. After she returned from Sweden in 2000 she could have her direction of works even clearer.

Though she did not have financial problems she still had social and mental problems. She had to struggle with the rest of her family members to get her husband's property. Lily said, "My family said that the property of my husband should not be given to me until my sons become six years old." Her family members even wanted her husband's pension to be shared among the family. Being an educated and well established woman in Kathmandu she was suffering in such a way. She could imagine what the condition of other uneducated and innocent women living in remote areas would be.  

Then, with the support of Netherlands Development Organization, she organized a national meeting of widows in 2000. Widows from 17 districts participated in the meeting. After the meeting those women began to organize widows in their districts. In that meeting 'Single Women' was for the first time made an issue in Nepal. This national meeting helped Lily to know about problems of widows in rural areas.

Lily had noticed that the main problem has been generated even by the terminology itself. When somebody says 'bidhuwa (widow)', it sounds hurtful. This is all because of people's negative attitudes towards widows. Hindu women have been told that they must stay in their husband's house where the family perpetuates a strict system of rules and separation. Widows are not allowed to wear red clothes and anything in red. In addition, they are considered inauspicious existence, so they are not allowed to participate in religious functions, even in a marriage ceremony of their own children.
In Nepali society there are still many people who follow these practices in the name of religion.

Through their NGO 'Women for Human Rights' widows are rebelling against such customs. They are encouraging single women to come out of their shells and raise their voices by organizing programs on a massive scale. Women's for Human Rights now has reached in more than 55 districts. They are working with more than 500 local groups. They picked up one woman from a district and trained them, who will visit door to door in their own districts and convince widows to join their group. Those groups will be trained, from which they pick up three women as a Para-counselor, a Para-legal volunteer and a helping friend. Those groups mobilize their respective communities. Furthermore, they form single women entrepreneur groups and Women's for Human Rights provide them micro-credit loans for savings. They are also offered counseling and legal services.

Thanks to Lily's work, the government included single women's issues in the 10th Five Year Plan (2002-2007). Her NGO is also working to amend laws that do not favor widows. There was a provision that when a widow wants to sell her property she needs to get consent from her son. This provision was amended. Widows were not allowed to get their late husbands' property after remarriage; however, this was also amended. Nepal Army has also opened the seats for single women. These are all the achievements for the rights and empowerment of single women in Nepal.

Getting Nepali widows out of psychological isolation and economical dependent situation, Lily Thapa could have established a wide network of single women's groups. Her dream is that single women become more economically and socially independent. The day will come when all women are treated equally and they will enjoy equal rights.

Written by Bidya Chapagain